Archive for April, 2010
What Do You Expect From Your Kids – Part 2
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My middle daughter Mackenzie turned 12 last fall, and we celebrated her coming into young womanhood with a rite of passage party, and a big challenge. The expectations are unmistakably high, but I can tell you she is absolutely excited about living up to these qualities already having a big sister who is leading the way. If you want an uncommon family, with uncommon children, you must do uncommon things. Here is the document we presented on her birthday as the gateway to womanhood.
QUALITIES TO HAVE BY AGE 15
- God First: Without being told, have a personal Bible reading, memorizing and prayer time. “Bible before breakfast”.
- Family: More excited and interested in what’s happening in the lives of your family than you are in the lives of your friends. Treating your brothers and sisters better than your best friend.
- Development: Embrace how God has created you, and continually develop in your Top 3 areas of strength: Dependability, Discoverer, and Relating.
- Protect your Heart: In the same way that you would not put anything dirty or rotten into your mouth, do not allow anything dirty or rotten into your mind. Example: what you read, see on internet, what you watch on TV, or what you hear on the radio/music selection.
- Attitude: Being kind and courteous, even when you are tired, don’t feel good, or just don’t want to. Attitude is something you can choose each and every day.
- Effort: Develop a habit of doing a task better this time than the last time, or doing your best every time, now matter how small. Take initiative and look for ways to help around the house without being told. Example: chores, education.
- Graciousness: Taking “no” for an answer realizing that God has put those in authority over us to protect us from things we cannot see. Instead of arguing, take your request to God, and pray according to Luke 18:1-8 and Luke 11:1-13 that God will change the hearts of those in authority over you or change your heart to accept the answer.
- Stand Alone: learn to stand alone, even if “everybody else is doing it”, knowing your family will stand by you. What you do when nobody is looking AND when your parents aren’t looking matters more than what you do in full view of them.
- Leadership: Model the 9-Character First core values by leading others in Responsibility, Patience, Initiative, Self-Control, Punctuality, Resourcefulness, Discretion, Creativity, Empathy and Tolerance.
- Modesty: Fashionable, God and family honoring dress which brings attention to your countenance and character, not your body. Realizing that outward beauty is temporal and inward beauty of a meek and quiet spirit is everlasting.
- Servanthood: Have a servant’s heart. Meek/quiet.
- Well-Mannered: Be polite and exhibit refined behaviors.
- Learners Heart: Work comfortably in a business environment, not prideful about what you know, but have the attitude of a learner. Being Right isn’t always best.
- Excellence Check: Characterized by being organized, neat, and efficient. Always looking for a way to do it better, faster, and with good quality.
- Stewardship: Manage money well — earning, giving, spending, and saving. Understanding the value of a dollar. Plan your money before it plans you, giving every dollar a name before you get or spend it.
Mackenzie signed and dated the list, accepting the challenge, with both me and my wife signing as full partners with her to achieve these lofty qualities. I hit on it in Part 1, but if you don’t have relationship built up with your child, there is a good chance they will rebel against these expectations. Better for you to be intentional in building your relationship for a season before you introduce these qualities.
What do you think about having expectations like these for your child(ren)? What are you communicating to them by having high expectations like these?
In Part 3, I will unpack the Rebellious Child myth. In Part 4, we’ll tackle Peer Pressure. You won’t want to miss it, so join the newsletter RSS feed, follow us on twitter @familyvision or on Facebook.com/FamilyID.
What Do You Expect From Your Kids – Part 1
Posted by: | CommentsIn our culture, we’ve lost the true definition of moving from childhood to adulthood by creating this ambiguous thing we call a ‘teenager’. Did you know the word teenager wasn’t even in use until after WWII? Go here to find out more about the history of the teenager.
In fact, when I look at what the culture of a teenager has become, I think the unintended consequences are proving to be debilitating to the next generation. Teenagers have more to “do” than ever, they are more disconnected from God and family than ever, yet are more connected to friends they don’t really know, media opinions of the way they should act or dress, living or being tolerant of liberal lifestyles, and consumer target groups, than every generation before them combined. Our kids are perishing. They need our intentional leadership Parents!
To combat what has become the new normal, we have instilled a rite of passage. My middle daughter Mackenzie is just about to turn 12. In our home, we purpose to make 12 a very special birthday, and celebrate much like the Jewish families do when they bar-mitzvah. At 12, we have set the bar very high, that she is to put more childish things behind her, and to embrace her new adulthood.
I know many of you think your kids would rebel against such expectations. Let me help you out, in fact, I have the key to avoiding rebellion. Kids do not rebel against authority, they rebel against Lack of Relationship. Think about it! If you have a rebellious child on your hand, check the relational gas tank.
Does your family celebrate a rite of passage ritual? What have you noticed about the teenage culture?
In Part 2, I will share the 15 qualities we will expect Mackenzie to be working toward by the time she is 15 years old. In Part 3, I will unpack the Rebellious Child myth. In Part 4, we’ll tackle Peer Pressure. If you’d like to see something else added to this list, twitter @familyvision or www.Facebook.com/FamilyID.
Top 12 Prom Tips
Posted by: | CommentsProm season is upon us! For Parents, that can stir up excitement, dread, fun, uncertainty…all at the same time! Prom is a sign of how quickly our “little” kids are growing up, and a reminder of the hazards they face out in the big bad world (she/he pronouns alternate, but the tips apply equally to daughters and sons). These Top 12 Tips will help Moms, Dads and kids get the most out of Prom time.
1. It’s his Prom, not yours. Parent functions best when they are a good coach who listens closely to where he’s at, rather than imposing emotions or fears on the situation.
2. “Parents” = “Detective.” Yes, it’s more than okay to meet your kid’s date ahead of time. Make it a low-pressure meeting, like encouraging her to invite her date over to do homework some night. Promise her you won’t act like a prosecuting attorney (and then keep that promise), but let her know you care about her friends because you care so much about her.
3. Be in the know about the “Nos.” No booze, no drugs, no hotel rooms, no riding without seatbelts. No exceptions–no matter how persistently he argues: “But, Dad! Everyone is doing it!” Then make sure he knows that, no matter where, when, or what the situation, you will come get kid & date immediately if they find themselves in an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. And that there will be no lecture until at least the next day. Make a pact that you and he BOTH will let each other know where you are and who you’re with, all evening, no exceptions. Be sure he has access to a phone to reach you.
4. Keep your head when, all around you, others are losing their shoulder straps. Wearing “sexy” clothes (and dyeing hair) is normal adolescent behavior. It can be a teenager’s self-directed experiment in self-definition. Parents job is to let her know that they love her for who she is, now and forever. Meanwhile, you are not a dork if you set a dress code, but be willing to compromise or (even better) develop a dress code together.
5. Beauty is in the eye of Dad especially. Always remember how important your opinions are to your child or stepchild. A kid needs to know that Dad thinks he is wonderful inside and out. Tell him he glows by just being himself. Remember: no tux, dress, hairdo or flowers can match the true, inner beauty you see in your children.
6. Yes, Prom costs money. So set a budget early. Talk honestly with each other about the cost of tickets, dress/tux/suit, flowers, parties, etc. Then work out a realistic plan for what you can afford together, letting her share some of the load.
7. Simple is the new black. Many kids and families (and, sadly, some schools) invest so much in Prom that it seems like a bigger deal than a wedding. While teens want to fit in, they also like to be different. So offer the “simple” approach to Prom as the way to be radically different. Skip the limo (dress up & be the chauffeur yourself), skip the high-priced labels (many fine togs hang in thrift and consignment shops), and skip the Royal Banquet (suggest the old-fashioned idea of post-Prom bowling or making a scene eating at the local diner in tuxes and gowns).
8. Do the Dad Dance. Make sure he knows how to slow dance with class and style. Practice with him and Mom or Stepmom to some songs from your Prom days.
9. Lock in on lock-ins. If the school hosts a post-Prom overnight lock-in, make sure you know what will be happening there and get her commitment to observe all the rules (including the one about having fun). If you volunteer to chaperone, make the following deal with a fellow chaperone: “I promised my daughter that I wouldn’t hover around her and her date. So, if you keep a close eye on my kid, I’ll cover your flank by keeping a close eye on your kid.”
10. C’mon over! Avoid the post-Prom party minefield by having your kid and a handful of his friends (and even their dates!) over to your house for a relaxed, substance-free, and well-chaperoned get-together. Let them attend another non-school post-Prom party ONLY if you know the host family very well, they have a substance-free policy (& the parents know there’s going to be a party!)
11. Breaking up doesn’t mean the party’s over. If she breaks up with her date before Prom, encourage her to go with one or more other friends, even if there isn’t any romantic interest. But most of all, respect how she’s feeling, hear her out, support her, and follow her lead.
12. Leave the light on. Wait up until he gets home, and then enjoy the fruit of your trust in each other-the great stories he’ll tell about the Prom.
Courtesy of @ www.TheDadMan.com
