Courting vs Dating: A Teen’s Response

Dear Mrs. Hott,

My dad asked me to reply to your e-mail so that you would get a perspective from someone who grew up not dating. Please feel free to share any of this with your daughters.

I was 10 when my parents told me about courting, and at that time not dating sounded really easy! Then I grew up and I actually started liking boys and I realized how hard it was going to be, especially since all my friends were dating. Not dating has always been logical to me. I can think through all the reasons why I should not date someone, why it’s so much better to court, why it’s pointless to be involved with someone who you won’t potentially marry, who you’re not ready to marry, and who is not ready to marry you. But at the end of the day, when you have feelings for someone, all you want to do is throw logic out the window! I used to ask God if he would never let me like a guy until I met the one I’m supposed to marry… that didn’t happen, and not dating those guys that I liked was hard, but it was worth it. Now, I’m so thankful that my parents introduced me to courting and gave me reasons to wait.

There were a few things that kept me motivated towards not dating. One was as story my mom shared with me about one of her relationships in high school. She shared with me how it felt to have a broken heart. Her personal story really made a broken heart personal to me. I knew I didn’t want to go through that. Second, watching all of my friends go from boyfriend to boyfriend had a huge influence on me. I learned from watching my friends that it doesn’t matter who breaks up with whom, both people will end up hurt. I’ve seen friendships get ruined because the two friends started dating. I’ve seen my friends develop a low self esteem because they had the mentality that they needed a boyfriend or that a boyfriend would somehow make them better or prettier or whatever. I watched my friends give little pieces of their hearts away and they couldn’t get them back. A third thing that kept me motivated was the logic of not dating. Even though I always wanted to push logic aside, my parents had explained to me why waiting was smart and why there’s no point in dating until you’re ready to marry, and God wasn’t going to let me forget it. The logic was always in the back of my mind telling me how foolish it all is, no matter how much I liked the guy. God was constantly reminding me of the wisdom of waiting.

One thing I wish I had done was to establish rules for myself. I have always been around guys and had lots of guy friends. Most of the guys that I’ve liked have started out just being friends… and we would hang out all the time (in groups)… and text or talk on the phone everyday… and e-mail… and talk online… and next thing you know I really like this guy! The problem is that he is already a part of my everyday life because I didn’t limit my contact with him. I don’t think that limiting myself would have prevented me from ever liking a guy. That’s going to happen. That’s life. But if I was not in the habit of talking to the guy every single day, then it would be easier not to date him. I might like the guy, but I won’t be as emotionally connected to him, if I’m not constantly talking to him. I don’t really have any suggestions as to what the exact limitations should be. It’s hard to say how much talking is too much or what’s the right amount, etc. I hope this gives you a little insight into your situation.

Sincerely,

Lauren Naylor